21st Century School Crossing Guard

Yes, we had school crossing guards. They were us children. We wore orange belts. I don't know who was more in danger: the crossing guards or our classmates, from parents who didn't care and/or who already were drunk. Oh, the good old days. Now? Every street crossing is policed by an uber-empowered octogenarian with a face and body that looks like he was THE danger back in the day. Want a serious and focused encounter with a 7-Eleven or Kinkos clerk? Good luck. Perhaps today's school crossing guard should be solicited by retailers. Come within 100 feet of a 21st century child crossing a street without getting the stink eye and you risk feeling guilty all day. Shooting these same children? Well, I guess that's now okay. 

Driving In The Projects Or By Crackers

Recently, I was lost and I ended up with my gleaming Baby Boomer-privileged car in a one in-and-out access project that resembled Training Day. Suffice to say, I stood out like a sore thumb. I told myself, if I get killed, this shouldn't be a murder but a suicide. I didn't see any guns and I was fine. Then right after, I was cut off by a cracker in a pickup truck with a gun rack. That was 100% more scary. I am not scared of the Islamic State Of Syria And Iraq. But I am scared of the White Christian State Of Dodge RAM And Ford F-150.

The Mythical Best Expressway Lane

Perhaps, the most remarkably worst thing about living in Chicago, is our remarkably worst traffic. Besides the fact that our "expressways" don't have enough lanes, the lanes we do have are shut down for future repairs that are long on barricades, but bereft of actual construction workers. So everyone is constantly switching lanes like there is a mythical "best" one to be found. Which slows down the traffic even more. I don't know what is more irritating. Slowing down to let one of these drivers cut me off or nearly crashing into them when we are trying to do the same thing at the same time?